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The Gospel of Glutes
Chapter 15 11 The Son of Brodin continued: “There was a bodybuilder who had two sons. 12 The younger one said to his father, 'Father, give me my share of the estate.' So he divided his dumbbells, whey, and cable machines between them. 13 "Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his gains in crossfit. 14 After he had lost all his gains due to high intense cardio and minimal lifting, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need of whey. 15 So he went and hired himself out to Greg Glassman, a known wheytheist, who sent him to his Crossfit studio to assist those who had fallen from the path of the Swoley Spirit in their WODs. 16 He longed to fill his stomach with even the meager paleo diet which the crossfitters were eating, but no one gave him anything. 17 "When he came to his senses, he said, 'How many of my father’s spotters have whey to spare, and here I am starving to death! 18 I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against Brodin and against you. 19 I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your spotters.' 20 So he got up and went to his father. "But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, gave him a broshake and a chest bump. 21 "The son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against the Iron Temple of Brodin and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son nor will I ever see Swolehalla.' 22 "But the father said to his spotters, 'Quick! Bring the best lifting belt and put it on him. Cake chalk on his hands and place Rogue lifting shoes on his feet. 23 Bring the protein bars and Gold Standard whey. Let's have a feast and lift. 24 For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' So they began to lift. 25 "Meanwhile, the older son was in his gym. When he came near his father’s gym, he heard grunting and lifting. 26 So he called one of the spotters and asked him what was going on. 27 'Your brother has come,' he replied, 'and your father has brought the finest whey and protein bars because he has him back safe and sound.' 28 "The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. 29 But he answered his father, 'Look! All these years I’ve been lifting with you, making gains, and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a single tub of Body Fortress whey so I could lift with my friends. 30 But when this son of yours who has squandered his gains with crossfitters comes home, you bring out the finest Gold Standard whey for him!' 31 "'My son,' the father said, 'you are always with me, and all my gains are yours. 32 But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.'" As revealed by AIpwns